Q: How do I know which school is really right for my daughter? I don't think the answer is totally about sending her to the "best" school. I have a friend who sent her son to a really great, high-ranked college, and he's thriving there. On the other hand, her daughter is attending the same school and absolutely hates the place. How can I find the school that's the best match for my unique kid?

A: I think you have the right idea—you don't need the best school, but the school that's best for your daughter. But don't confuse best with perfect. Even a really good fit for your student will probably still have something she doesn't like—something that's not quite right. So, be very careful that "best fit" doesn't mean "absolutely everything I want."

With that said, I'm certain there are a few options out there that would be a very good match for your daughter. What are her academic interests? What are her primary social and spiritual needs? What are her top five or six "non-negotiables" in the search? What are those areas that are negotiables—important but not as important as those non-negotiables?

After some brainstorming, she needs to create a checklist—ranking it from most important to least important. Talk about each item on the list. Ask questions: Why is this important to you? Is this one really a non-negotiable? Is there anything missing from your list? (For help in developing the list, see "College Choice Workheet" on page 40.)

Next, it's time to screen schools. Begin by checking out schools advertised in this guide and visiting their websites. Also, attend a college fair. (For dates and locations, go to naccap.org/fairs.asp.)

When your daughter has found several schools that seem to be good matches, I always recommend visiting three to five schools.

Each college visit will help your daughter get a feel for the campus and gather firsthand knowledge about what areas of study the school offers. Plan to have your daughter spend the night in a residence hall and sit in a class.

During these visits, she might find one choice that rises to the top. If she does, encourage her to have a couple of fall-back schools—just in case. And throughout the entire search process, keep in mind that there are no perfect campuses, but there certainly are a few that will be a very good fit for her needs, interests and personality.

Q: My son has struggled with clinical depression since his middle school years. He sees a psychiatrist monthly and a therapist every other week. Since he's interested in a Christian college, I want him to find one that will help him with his mental health issues. I have run into far too many Christians who don't believe in therapy and medication for depression. How do I find a school that will accept his mental illness and help him thrive?

A: Christian colleges are seeing more and more students with issues such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders and attention deficit disorders.

In my experience, most Christian colleges have professional counseling centers with well-trained Christian counselors. These personnel are skilled in the latest therapeutic techniques and know how to integrate their practice with a solid biblical worldview. They can accurately diagnose psychological issues and then develop treatment plans that effectively address these issues therapeutically and spiritually.

As you look into prospective schools, I would suggest you first contact the director of each school's counseling center regarding their approach to depression. Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Be clear about your concerns. When you plan your college visits, set up a meeting with the director of counseling and the dean of students. Use the meeting to talk through a strategy that would help your son thrive on campus and in the greater college community. I believe that after a few of these meetings, you'll identify good fits for your son.

Q: What must we keep in mind as we consider loans?

A: First off, it's helpful to remember that college is an investment in your child's future. Even though loans are a growing reality for most families, it's possible to manage your amount of debt. Here's my student loan rule of thumb: Less is better. Explore every potential funding source you can find—scholarships, grants, personal savings, work-study, etc.—to help limit the amount you have to borrow.

Talk to the financial aid directors of schools you're considering. They will do all they can to help you explore other aid options. If you should need loans, they can offer you guidance on what kinds of loans to consider and what kind of loans to avoid.

You should never take out a student loan without first thinking through the long-range implications—such as ability to pay. Will the job he gets after graduation supply enough income to pay back loans in a reasonable amount of time? The fact that medical doctors can afford larger loan payments than social workers may seem harsh, but it is reality. This doesn't mean your son should avoid service-oriented jobs or a career in full-time ministry. But he simply must keep his potential earning power in mind.

And don't keep any of these financial realities from your college-bound child. You need to involve him in the entire process and he needs to be seen as a "full partner" in paying off the college investment. In doing so, he'll grow in his understanding of what it costs to fund a college education.

Finally, pray about this. Money is such a huge issue and can cause so much stress and tension in a family. So pray for and with your son about this issue. Ask for God's guidance and wisdom—trusting that he will provide for your needs and guide you to the best options for funding your son's education.

Editor's note: Get a quick overview of the federally funded PLUS, Perkins and Stafford loans in Terms to Know on page 50.

Q: While I am excited my son is growing up, I am going to miss being a part of his life. In fact, I'm tempted to insist he attend a school locally. I'm wondering how to let go and still be a part of his life.

A: I'm pretty sure you're not going to give into your temptation. If your son picks a school far away, you'll support him. Why? Because you love him and want what's best for him. Even if it hurts.

When a child goes away to college, this big change impacts the entire family.

Here's the goal you want to keep in mind: You want to help him make the transition in such a way that moves him toward independence and maturity, and yet also assures a healthy, albeit changing, relationship between parent and child.

That starts with him being in the driver's seat of the college choice. Try hard not to even subtly manipulate his decision. It's OK to say you'll miss him. It's OK to cry. But it's also important to communicate loudly and clearly: "I love you. I want the best for you. I respect your decision." And no matter what, you're still his mom.

What does this look like now? First off, get those special parents' weekends on the calendar. Now, what about other visits? And what about phone calls? Should you call him daily? Weekly? And how often should you e-mail? Talk about it.

I've seen too many "helicopter parents"—moms and dads who are always hovering over their children. Most college students don't appreciate that—and they certainly don't need that. Even if he does attend a college close to home, keep an appropriate "distance"—and let him decide what's appropriate.

What's really important is that you allow your son to establish himself on campus. He needs to develop new friends. He needs to learn to write papers without Mom proofing them. He needs to get involved. He needs to take care of himself. Yes, this includes doing his own laundry!

Remember: This is not all just about his growth. It's about your growth, as well. You will be learning, even with some mistakes here and there, what it means to be the mother of an adult child. With a little patience and a good bit of prayer, you and your son will get through this time. You'll also come to take a great deal of motherly pride in the fact that you've played an essential role in helping your little boy turn into the man he's rapidly becoming.

Skip Trudeau is the dean of student development at Taylor University in Upland, Indiana.

Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
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