It's time to begin that all-important search for the right college. But as parents, what should your role be? How involved should you get? How much advice should you offer? The answers to such questions may depend on your teen's personality, mood or level of motivation. After all, not all kids are the same.

We asked admissions experts from five Christian schools for advice on how parents can help their unique teen during the search.

Let's say a high school senior hasn't looked at a single college brochure. How should parents get this kid going?

Mr. Higgins: You may want to start by just reminding him of today's date! It sounds silly, but in a teen's mind, he has all the time in the world to get this college stuff done. You know that senior year will fly by, but your child may not realize it.

Mr. Steen: Some students just need a little prodding. Work with your child to pull together an action plan. Say things like, "Hey, when's that college fair for your school district? Let's get that on the calendar." And "Have you signed up to take the ACT or SAT? Let's get that scheduled."

Ms. Losey: Another date to jot on the calendar is the day when admissions representatives will visit your child's school. This usually happens in the fall. Find out when the reps will be there so afterward you can ask your child, "Were there any schools that caught your eye?" This is the perfect opportunity to open up the college search conversation.

How can parents help the teen who's overwhelmed by the search process?

Ms. Losey: Find out what's most important to her when choosing a school by asking her to finish the following sentence: "I want a school that … " If she says, "I want a school that is at least two hours from home," or "I want a school where the classes are small," then she will have a better understanding for how to proceed with her search.

Mr. Steen: Encourage your child to search a site like mycollegeoptions.org. Students can plug in their profile info and the site spits out a list of colleges that might be a good fit based on the criteria the student has selected. These sites are great because a student can see schools that match up with her interests. At that point she can usually begin to narrow the search, and once the field is narrowed, the process is far less overwhelming.

How can a parent best help a teen who's incredibly anxious?

Mr. Henderson: The greatest source of anxiety is the unknown, so it helps to familiarize your child with a few college campuses. Have her stay overnight, eat in the cafeteria, talk to current students and professors, attend a few classes, check out an athletic event if possible. Just letting her get a feel for what college will be like will make her feel more comfortable.

Ms. Losey: A parent's understanding words can help alleviate anxiety. The day I graduated from high school, I remember telling my mom, "OK, so I know where I'm going to college, but I still don't have a clue as to what I want to do with my life!" And Mom said, "That's OK. It's totally normal to feel that way." Just those few supportive words calmed me down. It helped knowing she wasn't pressuring me to hurry up and figure out my entire life's plan.

Mr. Higgins: While a life plan is important down the road, it certainly isn't necessary to have one etched in stone when you first step foot on campus. College is an explorative time. Assure your teen there's nothing wrong with taking some college classes to help him figure out which path to follow.

Mr. Steen: That path may become clearer if your son or daughter has the opportunity to talk to a friend, cousin, or someone from youth group who has recently successfully completed the search process. Your child will feel less alone by talking to someone close to his own age about his anxiety.

What if a parent really wants his child to attend a Christian school, but his son or daughter resists the idea?

Mr. Henderson: First off, let me say that I'm a huge proponent of a Christian College education. Personally, my undergraduate college experience radically shaped my worldview to a kingdom-view within four years. Also, it's fair to assume that if parents are financially investing in their child's education, they should be able to voice their opinion about where to go. However, forcing a child go to a particular school is a bad idea. In order for a student to prosper academically, socially, spiritually and emotionally, he needs to be emotionally, spiritually and mentally invested in and excited about his college. If he isn't owning the process, including the decision, he may not fully benefit from what the college is offering.

Ms. Samples: If you force your child to attend a school she doesn't want to attend, she's probably headed for a really bad experience.

Ms. Losey: Pushing your student into our office doesn't work either. I've had many parents tell me, "I really want my child to choose this school, but she isn't so sure. Can you convince her to come here?" In a word, no. The best thing you can do is to simply let your child go through the process. Visit all sorts of schools. Keep the lines of communication open. Offer unconditional support. Then put your own feelings aside and trust her to make the final choice.

Mr. Higgins: But before he makes that final choice, be sure he's properly informed. This is not to say you should push a school on him, but it's OK to highlight what it has to offer. I say this because some students have this idea that a Christian school means they'll come out with a Bible degree and will then have to pursue a career as a minister, youth pastor or music director. But that's not the case. Christian colleges offer a wide variety of liberal arts degrees in everything from biology to environmental studies to education. Once a student realizes the diversity a Christian school offers, he may feel very differently about attending one.

Do you think the teen who's an "average" student is doomed to attend an "average" school?

Mr. Higgins: Definitely not. A student doesn't have to have a 4.0 and score a 1600 on the S.A.T. to get into a school he's interested in. Admissions officers consider so many things outside of academics—things like who has a part-time job during high school, who has been on missions trips, who has been involved in youth group activities. Sure, we want someone who will be academically successful, but we also want someone who can contribute on campus.

Ms. Samples: I don't think there's any such thing as an average school. But there is such a thing as a student who is just an average fit with a school, which isn't good. There are so many scales by which you can judge a college. I think it comes down to paying attention to where a student feels most at home.

Ms. Losey: Focus on the best fit for your student. One way college admissions experts determine which students are a good fit with their institution is by reading application essays. So parents should encourage their child to use the essay portion of the application to tell us all about their goals and dreams and plans for the future. What about the very bright child who wants to apply to a school their parents view as a "second rate" option?

Mr. Steen: In some instances, this can be a good thing. For example, if a student attends a prestigious school, he may be in for a rude awakening when he is no longer at the top of his class scoring the highest grades. On the flip side, however, if he goes to a second-tier school with a decent reputation, he may really excel. This can be a huge self-image booster for him.

Mr. Higgins: It's possible that a so-called "second-rate" school may allow your child to blossom. Perhaps she didn't have the confidence to be a leader in high school, but in college she may really come out of her shell and flourish as a campus leader. You just never know what God has in mind for your child. So, don't immediately discount any school from your child's list of possibilities.

How can parents help their shy child break out of his shell and be more outspoken during the admissions interview and campus visit?

Mr. Steen: The best thing to do is to not speak for your child. It's frustrating when an admissions counselor asks the student, "So, what are you interested in?" and the parent jumps in and answers the question.

Mr. Henderson: The parent should direct the conversation back toward the student. You want to be supportive but not the driving force behind the interview.

Ms. Losey: Encourage your child to take the initiative by asking questions when she's on campus. You have to remember that your child's needs are going to be far different than your own. Chances are, the questions at the forefront of your mind have to do with finances and campus security. But your child wants to know what campus life is all about—everything from classes to dorm life to athletic events. So you should encourage your child to speak up and ask the questions that matter to her.

What about the student who has it down to two schools and simply can't make up her mind?

Ms. Samples: This was my dilemma. I had trouble making that final decision. I had a better scholarship offer from the college I was less enthused about. But I was torn because I felt the other school—the one that cost more—was a better match. I reasoned that I should go to the school with the cheaper price tag, but my parents were adamant that I attend the college where I felt I belonged. Ultimately, I chose with my heart rather than my head.

Mr. Steen: That's what students have to do in the end—let their hearts and their faith rule their decision. I know of a student who was really struggling with the final decision. He had his mind set to go to one particular school, but his parents wanted him to go elsewhere. Talking in circles was getting them nowhere so the family took 30 days to pray and journal about it. During those 30 days they agreed not to discuss college at all. Then 30 days later all three of them wrote on a 3x5 card the name of the school where they each felt the student belonged. They laid the cards in the middle of the table and flipped them over. The same school was written on all three cards.

How can parents persuade the stubborn child who insists on going to School A but the parents prefer School B?

Mr. Steen: Don't play mind games with your child. I've had parents tell me, "We want our son to come to this school, but we're not saying anything to him because if he knows what we want, he'll do the opposite." Just be honest with your child and trust that everything will work out in the end. Even if he makes the "wrong" decision, ultimately the Lord's plan is perfect and either the student will come around and thrive or he'll transfer to another school later. It's not the end of the world.

Mr. Henderson: Making mistakes and being responsible for them is part of life. College helps students learn how to think critically and evaluate their decisions, and the learning process should start during the search. They will have different deciding methods, but one thing families should do is saturate the process in prayer. The college choice is all about trusting that God will guide your son or daughter to the school that will best suit his or her needs. I can promise you that the moment you surrender the decision to the Lord, your family will feel at peace.

Our Forum panel:
Jim Henderson director of marketing for undergraduate admissions Eastern University St. David's, Pennsylvania
Joey Higgins director of admissions Montreat College Montreat, North Carolina
Breana Losey admissions counselor Anderson University Anderson, Indiana
Jennifer Samples director of admissions Northwest Christian College Eugene, Oregon
James Steen vice president for enrollment management Houston Baptist University Katey, Texas

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