When it's time for the college search, there's bound to be some stress and tension between parents and their teens. Sometimes it can all feel quite overwhelming. Here's how one mom described a college visit with her daughter:

"We were walking across campus after our tour, and I made the mistake of asking what she thought. She barked, 'You're always at me, always asking questions!' So I thought I would take the wiser path and keep quiet. Five minutes later, it's … 'Now you're not talking, you're guilt-tripping me!' This from my normally mature, well-balanced daughter. But this whole process is very unbalancing, and not only for her. I felt unbalanced, too … I think parents could use a support group."

With or without a support group, the whole experience is, well, "very unbalancing." When it comes to helping a child with the college search, what's a parent to do?

Some parents simply remove themselves from the whole search process. After years of training and guiding, they drop out of the race at the first sight of the goal line, telling themselves, "This is our child's decision. We'll support whatever she decides." But withdrawal isn't what your child needs. Or, in most cases, wants.

"Believe it or not, kids want their parents' input," says Aubrey Quince, a student at Mount Vernon Nazarene University in Mount Vernon, Ohio. "Let your student know your pros and cons, but also allow them to share what they feel. This is a very exciting time for young people, and it helps when they can sense your excitement, too!"

Jay Mahan, assistant director in Mount Vernon's admissions office, couldn't agree more. "Ideally, a parent would be a guide in this process," Mahan says, "clarifying values, training the student to understand taxes and finances, helping to weigh benefits and drawbacks and modeling compromise and sacrifice. It can be a difficult and stressful balancing act, but it can also be a bonding time as the student begins to stand shoulder to shoulder with the parent, facing the future together."

Guidance expert Eric Bierker likes to use a driving metaphor to explain a balanced level of parental involvement. Bierker, who heads up College Transition Group (collegetransitiongroup.com), says, "Remember the extra set of brakes the driver's ed instructor in high school had in the student-driver car? There was only one steering wheel but two sets of brakes, and a mouth that whispered—and sometimes frantically shouted—advice."

His point: Be there right beside your teen throughout the process. Offer advice and guidance, but give your child decision-making power. For example, let your student be responsible for calling a school and setting up a college visit.

Then during the visit, says Bierker, it's important that teens have time to be on their own. An overnight in a dorm while mom and dad spend the night at a hotel is a great way to let your teen "drive." Bierker also recommends giving your teen time to meet alone with admissions staff. He says these kinds of experiences will help your child become more comfortable with any future interactions they may have with college personnel. It's a nice step toward greater responsibility and independence.

At the same time, parents need to be sure they get their own questions answered. They shouldn't just wait in the car while their son or daughter is in the admissions office. "I suggest they peruse the campus and talk to students," says Bierker. "After their child spends some time alone with the admissions people, parents can come into the interview and ask their own questions."

Admissions offices see this "supportive role" as essential during the search process.

"We see the parent's role as offering support while gathering valuable information," explains Sammie Playl, assistant director of undergraduate admissions at King College in Bristol, Tennessee. But Playl offers a word of caution about over-involvement.

"During the campus visit, I've even seen parents respond to questions directed to the student," Playl says. "Obviously, if the student fails to ask an important question, the parent would want to speak up, but the parent's role should definitely be understated."

The challenge, of course, is finding that balance between supporting your teen and letting them take the initiative. And it is a challenge—not an impossibility.

"My parents were great at knowing when to get behind me and push me through the college search and when to let me do it on my own," says Josh Mencer, a student from Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania. "They didn't drag me out to colleges they thought were great. They asked which ones I liked and drove me out to those. When I had applications to fill out they handled a lot of the financial stuff, but left me to write my essays and answer all the questions without prying or correcting what I wrote. They did remind me of deadlines, but they didn't pound them into my head."

When offering advice and direction during the search, guidance counselor Rick Horne says parents should make sure they're looking at the bigger picture. The search isn't just about helping your child find the "right college." It's about helping your child find the school that will nurture them personally, academically and spiritually. It's about finding a place where they can develop their God-given gifts and abilities.

Horne, author of Walking Through the College Planning Process, says parents should ask their teen questions like, "What college will best help you to be the whole person God has created you to be?" It's so important that students are focused on who they want to become in Christ, and how God will use their gifts to serve him. These are not simply good considerations during the search, says Horne. They are essential and primary considerations throughout life.

Putting God at the center of the search certainly means seeking him and his guidance during the entire process.

"I definitely think that parents should commit themselves to pray for their student in the admissions process," says Matthew Kustenbauder, an admissions counselor at Messiah College. "Our staff often begins meetings with prayer for prospective students—that God would grant wisdom to families in the admission process, that students would truly land at the college that is right for them."

Kustenbauder's words should offer comfort to harried or frustrated parents. Discussions won't always be easy. Neither will compromise. Emotions, and tempers, will sometimes feel out of control. But you need to know you have a Guide who is there to listen, and you also have people like Kustenbauder and his staff praying for you and your child. So don't give up. Do your best, work hard to keep the lines of communication open, bite your tongue occasionally, and know that your child will probably one day thank you for being there throughout it all.

"Everything worked out," says Messiah student Josh Mencer. "I still love my parents, and I think the college I ended up at is perfect."

Aaron Basko heads up Educational Advising Ministries (EAM), a service that provides educational and career advice and resources for Christian families. For more information about EAM, go to www.edvising.net/eam, or call (717) 581-7835.

Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
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