College has caused some big changes in your life. And these changes aren't just on campus—some of them are taking place at home. Your college years are a time of change for your whole family, especially your parents. So how might your relationship change? How can you make sure that your new relationships with parents and siblings are strong?

We asked experts from five Christian colleges to explain the changes you're going through, the changes you're seeing in your parents, and what this time in your life can mean for your relationship with your family.

Our panel of experts includes Jana Dluehosh, director of residence life and housing at North Park University in Chicago, Illinois; Matt Pollock, associate dean of students at Baptist Bible College in Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania; Joyce Wagner, director of the counseling center at Roberts Wesleyan College in Rochester, New York; and Carolyn K. Yeretzian, Director of Student Care at Philadelphia Biblical University in Langhorne, Pennsylvania.

Ms. Wagner: College is about moving away from families for the first time. If you're like most students, you'll probably feel some sadness, guilt and loneliness as you experience the push and pull of "moving away" from your parents and "going toward" the excitement of new experiences at the same time.

During the college years, most people move away from viewing themselves primarily as a son or daughter to seeing themselves as an individual. You may realize for the first time that as an adult you're fully capable of making decisions for yourself. And you also have to deal with the good or bad results of your choices.

Mrs. Yeretzian: Sometimes students really grow in appreciation for their families. Other times, they realize what's lacking in their family life, or they think about ways they want to do things differently in their own homes or lifestyles.

Mrs. Dluehosh: Communication will change in a big way. Since you're not coming home every day after school, your parents will no longer be asking, "How was your day?" When you do talk, you'll probably be giving them a less specific picture of your day than before. No matter how often you talk, you won't be able to tell them all the experiences you are having, like which friends made you laugh hard today or which professors are really tough. That makes it hard for your parents to see how college is changing you gradually. To them, it seems like sudden changes are going on, and that can require a huge adjustment for all of you.

Mrs. Yeretzian: Because you've started to live apart from your parents, you may also be thinking about how your own convictions about what's important should shape your life. You're really becoming an individual, and in that process, some of your attitudes and actions may change. Some of the changes you're making might be in response to the way you've grown up—so you start to seem very different to your parents. In some ways, your parents will be proud of this. In other ways, they may be confused or need some time to adjust.

Mr. Pollock: During all the changes and the tension that sometimes happen I encourage students to honor and respect their parents. While you're developing independence in decision-making, it's also important to be humble and wise by asking your parents for advice and listening to them.

Ms. Wagner: Sometimes, in an effort to become independent, college-aged students might take on too much responsibility too quickly, which can end in bad or foolish decisions. But keep in mind that people don't become adults overnight—it's a gradual process you grow into. Looking to others—particularly parents and adult mentors—for guidance along the way will make the transition as smooth as possible.

Mrs. Yeretzian: Some students think the only way to gain independence is to rebel against their upbringing. Don't take that route. My advice is to figure out a way to communicate well with your parents, even as you think about beliefs, ideas or choices that are different from the ones you were raised with. Pray and talk to wise Christians about the changes in your life. Slow down a little and avoid rash decisions.

Mrs. Dluehosh: The biggest mistake students make in their striving to be independent is thinking that independence means saying "I can take care of myself now." Don't equate independence with not needing help. Everyone needs help at times, and your parents will always desire and need to help you, no matter how old you are. And now, as a growing adult, you may be able to return the favor and help your parents, too.

Ms. Wagner: Students are exposed to a variety of different belief systems, from their professors as well as from other classmates. This can cause a sudden, often significant change in what a person believes. While this change may not be permanent, it can take a family by surprise. For instance, a student returning home for Thanksgiving break might want to go to a different church because it is similar to the church he's been attending while at college. For the family, who sees nothing wrong with their "old" routine, this announcement may come as a shock and turn into a conflict.

I had a wise professor who once said, "You can say anything if you say it nicely," and I believe this is absolutely true. Students who come home after being away at school will have changed, and being able to communicate these changes with respect will help cut down on unnecessary conflicts.

Mr. Pollock: I'd encourage students to communicate with their parents not just by telling them about their lives, but also by asking them for their opinions. You can do this with a simple question, such as, "What do you think about that, Dad and Mom?" When students don't ask their parents questions, the message—even if it's unintentional—may come across as "I don't care what you think!"

Mrs. Dluehosh: There is so much information coming at you when you are a student that you instantly feel smarter and more significant. This is a great feeling—it's what motivates you through those finals—but it also means you might start to critique your past education, your parents' beliefs and knowledge, and even members of your family. The best way to share your new knowledge and spiritual convictions without coming across as arrogant is to realize your experiences are not your parents' experiences. In many ways, when you share your new experiences you're now serving as the "professor" to your parents. It's crucial that you communicate with a spirit of sharing, rather than being critical and suggesting that they need to change.

If you communicate with sensitivity and grace, your parents will start to realize you are articulate, passionate, and generous with your thoughts and feelings. That leads to a healthy adult relationship with them. You're not the little boy with the Tonka trucks or the little girl in pigtails jumping rope. Your parents now have an adult to discuss life's issues with. Of course, listen to them, too. They probably have wisdom or experiences of their own that could help you out.

Mrs. Yeretzian: I've seen many students unnerved by changes. Sometimes, it feels like making their own changes are less risky as long as things are the same at home. Talking with your friends, your RA and maybe even seeing the campus counselor can help a lot in thinking through what the changes at home really mean for you.

Mr. Pollock: The biggest struggle for students watching their parents change is actually the same problem parents face as their student changes. Your parents' decisions often surprise you because they haven't talked about these changes ahead of time. By the time you hear about this "life-changing" decision, it's a done deal. You may feel like this is what your parents really wanted in life, and that your parents couldn't have happiness until you left home. This perception is hardly ever true.

You need to recognize that your parents deserve to make life changes, too. And hopefully, your parents will be sensitive to you, consulting with you more than ever and showing respect for your opinions and feelings.

Mrs. Dluehosh: It's so easy to get caught up in your new life, with your new friends, social life and homework. But it's so important to realize that it's also tough to be left behind. Your younger siblings are most likely experiencing life as normal, but now they are missing a significant relationship, especially if you are close.

Calling home just to talk to your brothers and sisters can remind them you're thinking of them and show them they are still important to you. Spending a weekend in your residence hall with you can be so exciting for a younger brother or sister. (Make sure to check out your school's housing policies first.) And when you go home for a holiday, don't just sleep the day away. Take time to hang out with your brother or sister, maybe by doing something you used to do when you were living at home.

Ms. Wagner: Your family may feel like a large hole is left once you go off to college. For siblings who are still at home, this means finding ways to fill that hole—like being involved in school projects and developing new friendships. It also means exploring new ways to communicate with you while you're away. I encourage you to keep in touch through e-mailing or IMing. If you have a video phone, use it to keep in touch. And don't forget, old-fashioned cards and letters are still great ways to communicate and show love and concern.

When you go off to college, you may have a range of emotions, from excitement and enthusiasm to fear and guilt. If the bond between you and your siblings is tight, it can be helpful for you to share some of these feelings—whether those feelings seem rational or not—with your brothers and sisters who are still at home. These talks may be very helpful and can help pave the way for younger siblings who may go off to college later. And if you have older siblings who've already gone to college, it may help to get their advice and ask them about their experience.

Mrs. Yeretzian: Students like this have learned how to show grace to their families through the ups and downs of this new relationship. They give their family members the benefit of the doubt.

Mr. Pollock: Students who are successful in this area keep a humble heart and communicate often and openly with their families. They invite their parents and siblings to campus activities and encourage them to visit. When I see students sitting with their parents at campus sports events, concerts or performances, I feel confident these relationships are doing well.

Ms. Wagner: Open and respectful communication is crucial. Be honest and real about the struggles and questions you are facing, as well as your achievements and accomplishments. That will bring balance and humility to the situation. Understand that becoming an adult is a process, and not something that happens in an instant. I think James says it well when he points out that if we need wisdom, we can confidently ask God for it (James 1:2-5). The difficulties of life are part of his plan to grow us in faith—and that includes the ups and downs of your new relationship with your parents and family.

Copyright © 2006 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life's Ignite Your Faith magazine.
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