Q. My best friend and I are going to different colleges. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I know it will be hard being so far apart. What can I do to keep our friendship strong? Is that even realistic?

A. It is realistic to keep your friend and go to a different college! The reality is that both of you will change a lot during college, and it's possible that you may even grow apart. On the other hand, you may find that your friendship is strengthened and she becomes a lifetime friend.

Definitely try to stay in touch. It's hard when you're both busy, but e-mail is perfect for those long-distance relationships. Even a short message on a regular basis can help to keep you linked to each other and caught up on each other's news.

Establish a time to call each other. Cell phones make it possible to reach your friend just about anywhere at the agreed-upon time. And plan on getting together when you're both home at the same time—the occasional weekend and on holiday breaks.

Try to establish a non-guilt friendship with reasonable expectations of each other, of yourself, and with ample opportunity for grace. Don't blame each other for being busy—extend grace to each other and relish each chance you have to be together or to be in touch. Maybe in a few years you'll attend each other's graduations and be able to say, "We're still best friends!"

Finally, be open to the possibility of making more best friends at college. You're not obligated to have just one close friend. You'll meet plenty of potential good friends on campus, so pursue those relationships too!

I have been very involved in extracurricular activities during high school, and I want to be just as involved when I go to college next year. But I also know I'm probably going to have to study a lot more. How much extra stuff will I realistically have time to do?

A. You may end up being just as involved in college as you are right now in high school, but you probably shouldn't plan to do it all in your first year on campus! You are wise to be thinking about this and to acknowledge that you will very likely have to study more. It's true that most students study more in college than they did in high school. However, the schedules for classes are different, too. In college you will have blocks of time when you aren't in class, and you can study during those "in-between" times. You will have to work out your schedule and find times when you regularly—faithfully—leave room for study.

Once you get a sense of how much time classes and studying will require, you can begin to consider the opportunities available to you at your college. Carefully choose an activity or two. Don't jump into a million clubs or organizations. Add things slowly as your schedule allows. Select those things that will contribute most to your health, happiness, and personal growth—or the growth of others, as in service opportunities. Some opportunities will prepare you for your career field and look great on a rÉsumÉ. Some will be good for your cardiovascular system, some for relationship building, and others for your spiritual growth. Many things may seem like good things for you to participate in, but think carefully about the reason you're choosing each activity and why it's worth your time. Look forward to college activities as a way of rounding out your experience and helping you develop as a whole person. If you plan carefully and choose wisely, there will be enough time for you to get involved in enjoyable extracurricular activities and also to get good grades.

I've decided to go "potluck" with a roommate, and I'm kind of nervous. What if we just don't get along?

A. Expect the best. College roommates are a great training ground for working in teams in your future career and even for marriage! Most roommate relationships can be worked out, even if you and your roomie don't turn out to be best friends. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to live out the Golden Rule: "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you."

Respect your roommate and his space and privacy. Expect the same in return. Be interested in who he is. God has created us to be wonderfully different from each other. See what there is to learn and gain from spending time with this person—even though it is a lot of time. Even if you are complete opposites in some areas, you can learn from each other and learn to respect each other's differences.

If things become difficult, try to talk them out. Working out a compromise, or coming to a greater understanding of why a person does what he or she does, can be a great life-learning experience. God can build your character through the experience. He "knows what you need before you ask him" (Matthew 6:8), so maybe he chose your roommate just for you. He certainly is available to provide you with wisdom and grace, even in the midst of a challenging living situation.

Let's imagine, though, a worst-case scenario: You and your roommate simply can't get along. If this should happen, involve your residence staff personnel. They have training in conflict resolution and generally are chosen for their ability to be fair and wise. If your conflicts or issues are irresolvable, your residence staff may decide to move you or your roommate to another living situation. Most colleges don't make such a move too quickly, though. They don't want you to miss the learning opportunities in working out a roommate relationship. But there are times when it's best to make a change. If that should happen to you, be sure to take time to think about what you may need to change. Doing so will help assure that your second roommate gets a better "you."

But let's not assume the worst. Let's assume your potluck approach will work for you. You and your roommate don't have to become best friends to fully appreciate and support one another, as well as to pray for each other. Even if you don't hang out together, you can live well together, be sounding boards for each other, and enjoy all the fun that comes with residence life.

My parents have mentioned several times already that it will be really important for me to plug in to a local church when I go to college. But how crucial is that really since I'll be going to chapel almost every day?

A. What a great question! And what a blessing to be at a college which offers daily or almost-daily chapel. So do you need all of that and church too?

Well, first I would encourage you to stop thinking of church attendance as some sort of quota system. The chapels you attend don't really count on some celestial scoreboard, so that when the totals add up, a light goes off on the "does not have to attend church this Sunday" side.

It's really a heart thing. We want to be with God's people in the places where they gather. One wonderful thing about church, which chapel can't offer, is its intergenerational dimension. At church you have the opportunity to be in relationship with everyone from babies to grandpas, all worshiping and learning together. You can give and receive encouragement and insight from others whose life circumstances and perspectives are very different from your own. There are great role models available for you at church. Seeing families together and leaders of congregations in action will help prepare you for those roles in your future.

A local church can also become your "extended family." Some churches even have "adoption" programs, where a family invites a college student for occasional meals and outings. It's a great feeling to go home with a family after church for a delicious meal and great conversation, and then chill out together in the den while watching a football game.

It just doesn't hurt for you to get away from campus and get out into the larger community. Real life happens in both places and you can grow in your faith from seeing God at work in both settings.

I've been homeschooled throughout high school, so college is going to be pretty different for me. Do you have any suggestions for adjusting to all the changes?

A. If you've never been away from home, you may want to attend a homeschool conference, camp or go on a missions trip before you leave home for your first year away at college. Or you may even want to choose a local college and live at home for a year while you adjust to attending class on campus.

But whether you live on campus or at home, you have much to look forward to. You will have the opportunity to develop some rich new friendships and expand your horizons. Get involved in college activities that interest you—like a Bible study, a community outreach project, an astronomy club or a political organization.

In the classroom, participate actively in the discussion or small-group tasks. Enjoy the increased opportunities for group learning, for discussing issues with your peers, or for problem-solving with a partner.

If you are uncomfortable entering into the class activity and conversation at first, come prepared with a question you can ask at an appropriate time. Once you know the professor's style, you can probably anticipate the types of questions he or she is likely to ask, and be ready to contribute your ideas. Until you become more comfortable in the classroom setting, you may need to be more deliberate about seeking ways to add your "voice" to discussions.

It might also help to know you're not alone. In recent years, many colleges have accepted more and more homeschoolers, so there are probably other former homeschoolers on your campus. Ask your admissions office for the names of some other homeschoolers, and then seek out those students. These contacts could turn into a great "support group," as you listen to each others' struggles and discuss ideas for solving similar problems.

Approach this new experience with confidence. Your parents wanted to give you the best possible learning experience when they chose to homeschool you. So trust God to help you deal with what's new and different. And get ready to thrive in college!

Throughout high school I've struggled with pornography. It's gotten better with the help of some accountability partners. But I'll be going away to school next year, and I won't have them right there to support me. I know it will take awhile for me to build relationships in which I feel comfortable enough to share my struggles. What should I do in the meantime?

A. You have already acknowledged the problem you have with pornography and have sought help with it. That's a good step. You are right, however, that being in college may just open up new temptations and challenges, and you should prepare to meet them.

First, share your struggle most openly with God. He knows you and loves you and wants to help you overcome it. He says to us, whatever our area of challenge, "Take heart, I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). Talk with God as if he were right next to you and tell him how much you want to be free from problems with pornography. Ask for his help and strength.

Then do some very practical things. If you are at a Christian college, there will probably be some Web site restrictions to limit access to pornography on the Internet. The atmosphere at such a school may also be helpful because of the likely emphasis on purity and integrity. If there are no university-wide restrictions, you may want to place your own limits on your computer access to reduce the temptations available to you—possibly by buying some filtering software. And it may make sense for you to avoid surfing the Internet when no one else is in the room. As a matter of fact, I'd encourage you to find other means of entertainment. Get yourself involved in a variety of activities, especially those that provide healthy interactions with other people. Cut down on Web use and you'll greatly cut down the possibility of making wrong choices.

Seek the counsel and support of college personnel in campus ministries, student life, residence life or the counseling center. Ask someone there to hold you accountable and help you. A trained counselor would be able to help you deal with the addictive behaviors related to pornography. Friends may desire to help you abstain from use of pornography, but not have the insight and skills which professional staff members would have.

Finally, fill your heart and mind with God's Word. Specifically, I'd encourage you to tape Philippians 4:8 to the side of your computer where you'll always see it:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I hope and pray your college years will move you away from pornography and toward wholesome, uplifting, and God-honoring activities.

My older sister is going to be a junior at the college I'm attending in the fall. I'm glad I'll have her there, but I'm afraid of being known only as her little sister. Are there any ways to keep that from happening?

A. Aside from leaving your last name off all your nametags or wearing a disguise if you and your sister look too much alike, you may not be able to get away from the "sister act." But all is not lost. Sis could be a huge help. She'll know the place inside and out and will be able to point you to the favorite professors, the best dorms and the most popular local hangouts, as well as introduce you to her friends. Her familiarity with the campus and wisdom as an older student could help greatly with your adjustment to college life.

On the other hand, don't rely on your sister to make college work for you. Make an effort to establish your own friendships and activities. Don't expect to hang out with your sister at all, and don't pressure her to spend time with you. Make the college your own. Then, if she chooses to spend time with you—in public…in front of her friends…in broad daylight—you can thoroughly enjoy it. Consider it a bonus!

You may find yourself asking someone, "Hey, have you met my sister?"

Judy Moseman is Vice President of Student Life and Dean of Students at Bethel College (MN).

Send your questions for this column to: Campus Q&A, Campus Life, 465 Gundersen Drive, Carol Stream, IL 60188. You can also reach Campus Q&A via fax (630/260-0114) or e-mail (CLmag@campuslife.net).

2002 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
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