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    How Not to Write a College Paper

    Anybody else been there?

    • Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with a fully-charged laptop.
    • Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
    • Walk down to the campus coffee shop and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
    • Scroll through social media on your phone.
    • Stop off at the third floor on the way back, and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
    • When you get back to your room,
    • Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
    • You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
    • Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
    • Scroll through social media on your phone.
    • Listen to one of your favorite albums, and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
    • Rearrange all of your books into alphabetical order.
    • Text your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
    • Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with a fully-charged laptop.
    • Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
    • Scroll through social media on your phone.
    • Call your mom. You've been meaning to anyway.
    • Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
    • Look through your roommate's board of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
    • Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
    • Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with a fully-charged laptop.
    • Have a snack.
    • Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.
    • Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
    • Ditch the assignment all together and go out for some fun with your friends.

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