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    Excuse Me?

    Forget those lame excuses! Try these justifications for premeditated procrastination …

    Steve and Alice Lawhead

    In those tenuous moments when an excuse or an explanation is necessary—for that late paper, that missed appointment, that forgotten assignment—a masterful application of the fine art of obfuscation could save the day. Here are nine examples of what we mean:

    Don't say: "I forgot."

    Instead, say: "Phrenialogically speaking, the aforementioned subject ineluctably eluded my short-term mnemonic functions, resulting in an unaccountable cognition void."

    Don't say: "It'll be a little late."

    Instead, say: "Indefeasible difficulties necessitate a reassessment of allotted time parameters, vis-a-vis the restructuring of predesignated completion goals."

    Don't say: "My dog ate it."

    Instead, say: "The ordinarily carnivorous domestic canine under my husbandry purloined unprecedented masticatory privileges with my unobserved project."

    Don't say: "I lost it."

    Instead, say: "Indivertible circumstances misdirected the successful ensconcement of the errant property, rendering possessorship inoperative."

    Don't say: "I overslept."

    Instead, say: "Due to an avouched preponderancy for somnolent indulgence, I unilaterally misapprehended the foreordained commencement of this scholastic exercise."

    Don't say: "It isn't finished."

    Instead, say: "The effectual consummation of the assignated object was inexplicably prolonged by irremediable forces unresponsive to my personal influence."

    Don't say: "I broke it."

    Instead, say: "Owing to the delicate quiddity of the foredoomed article, my innoxious scrutiny stressed certain heretofore undisclosed flaws in manufacture, precipitating an inevitable fracture of the maldesigned subcomponents."

    Don't say: "I didn't study."

    Instead, say: "The overwhelmingly addictive character of televised divertissements short-circuited my ambitionary regard for the apprehension and retention of the opusculatory material now under consideration."

    Don't say: "I fell asleep in class."

    Instead, say: "Notwithstanding the scintillating repartee concomitant to this scholastic assemblage, intransigent preternatural biologic functions conspired to surmount my fragile resolve, plunging consciousness beneath my direct autonomy and thus insuring a rapid decline into somnolence."

    You grow and learn more during your college years than any other period of your life.